Despair (Part One)

The day starts as usual. She lays in bed unable to move, already tired, already thinking. She pushes the thoughts away as she feels the cold floor to find her slippers. Her body aches and she wonders briefly about all these new pains. In and out of the bathroom, the usual rituals are followed. She stands in front of her closet hoping to wear high heeled shoes to work, but the dull pain in her toes send a flashing stop sign. She reaches for her flat, wide, sensible shoes.

One look at them and all  hope to look attractive is gone. A sigh  escapes her as she heads downstairs.

Her children are already waiting for her. It feels as though there is always someone waiting for her! She pushes away a growing feeling of exasperation.

The drive to school is uneventful. While her son talks about some current political event, her daughter sits in the back submerged in her pre-teen, self-centered attitude. Everything feels so unbalanced. She feels like crying but forcing a smile she turns to her son and answers a question.

It's a short commute from school to the office. She drives slowly dreading the tedious long hours ahead full of typing and non-challenging conversation. Today, like everyday, she longs to be going somewhere else.

She sips her coffee and begins to look for files. Her body feels heavy and for a while she considers going on a diet, but she knows she is not ready to follow anymore rules, so she gives up.

The radio is playing the oldies. Are the songs annoying or the memories too poignant? She can't decide.

She pauses by a window and fights the tears that fill her eyes.

Out there artists are waking up and going to their studios, women are beginning their days to face and solve challenges. As she continues to look for more files she rebels at her mediocre lifestyle, but she rebels even more at her own inability to change it.

In the meantime she half listens to the small talk. A co-worker mentions the color of her new basement rug. Comments are made about the beauty of certain shades of green. Phones are ringing.  Someone talks a great pot roast recipe.  The water cooler hums louder than usual.

At her desk she comes across a memo. A particular case is being adjourned due to the Petitioner's death. Not knowing why, a terrible sadness comes over her. This poor man had been waiting for six years  to settle his injury claim, after hundreds of visits to doctors, therapy, conferences, he is dead. She thinks of her father  and tears sting her eyes.

                                                                                     

to be continued...